Fisha (witheringxfast) wrote in its_not_so_easy,

I hate my life right now...most than ever.

1 - I went to my guidance councler about this guy, Ryan, bothering me. She said its sexual harasment. So we had to bring it to the Vice Principal...and the police. So after days of crap, after days of cutting my brains out, and after days of getting sick because of nerves...he's not allowed to talk to me anymore.
But of course...things can't be that simple. Oh no...oh no. I'm in the school band....I have band for 80 min every other school day...tuesday night practices from 6-9:30. Football games every Friday (I have to be with the band from 5-10ish)...Saturday practices from 8:30-12:30....and competitions every so often that take up basically the day...making me be with the band from 12 in the basically 12 at night. I think means I have to spend alot of time with the people in the band......and yes, Ryan is in the band!
He gives me dirty looks everywhere I go. Its obvious he has anger problems, my band teacher sees this and sometimes pulls me out of class and lets me sit in guidance for 80 min...doing my hw and stuff. I hate how he is affecting my life. I'm not allowed to go anywhere alone....not walking around, walking home, going outside with out my dog...because my parents and the police think he wants revenge. They think he's going to do something to me....
I'm scared.

2 - School in general sucks. I hate honors classes! They should just burn and die! Blahhhhh. I think I'm failing two classes and my parents are going to kill me when they find out.

3 - I have recently realized I'm still in love with the guy (Brad) that made me start cutting.
...Well, it wasn't all him. I loved this guy since the 5th grade...and in 8th grade he asked me out. We dated for a few days before he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, but not going to harm myself. Then the next day he asked my best friend out...and she said yes. The betrayal made me cut.
Nobody has ever affected me, long term, more than he has....and I don't want history to repeat again, because that would make me commit suicide...
So here I 10th grade...still in love with that boy.

4 - I'm losing friends fast. Faster than ever....I'm on the edge all the time and they like to push me over. Calling me stupid, dumb....telling me that my other friends are gay. I can't stand it.

5 - I have no life!....Last night my good friend invited me over, but no. My only good friends left were there...and it would have given me a chance to hang out with Brad. I found out now, that thye all had the time of their lives....with out me. I'm glad they had a good time...I just wish that I could have been there too. They all slept over....both guys and girls. darn it! I wish I went!!

6 - I have people telling me I'm going to burn in hell for eternity because I'm Pagan. I wish people would mind their buisness!!!

7 - I'm cutting again...after 2 months of nothing...I'v gone to one week of cutting non-stop. I'm addicted again. Nobody cares...nobody notices. razors are getting dull, its good that it makes them hurt more....but they aren't going deep enough.
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